running a 5k fashion show

Things heard at a recent 5K.  “Hey what year is your Prius?”  “Can you pass the Kashi?”  “What running mix is on your iPod?” “Have you tried a quinoa?” Ok, sure I jest, but I don’t think I have gone outside the envelope of 5K speak.  And there does seem to be a rather large collection of prius-es at running events.  What is the plural of prius anyway?  Flock?  Gaggle?  Herd?  Pree-i?  Anyways those speaking 5k-enese was rampant, but not as rampant as the 5K fashion show that was going on simultaneously .

What happened to just throwing on my Aerosmith t-shirt , my sweats, my running shoes and hitting the pavement?  Why, because I’m wearing that, am I the poster boy of running fashion faux pas?  And while I’m on this rant why are all the new running shoes all vibrantly colored like a My Little Pony just puked up a bag of skittles?  My poor old dark gray New Balance 870s look like a 17-year-old half hairless smelly dog compared to these new colorful breed of kicks.  Just being at a 5K makes me feel like I’m on an episode of What Not To Wear, just waiting to be fashionly ripped apart, and have all my cotton running apparel tossed in a 55 gallon trash can, just to be replaced with rainbow-colored neoprene and lyrca skin-tight running gear.  Why do I want to spend 50 bucks on something I’m just going to sweat in and stink up?  It’s not like I am going to look impressive wearing the latest colorful synthetic go-fast run-gear while at the same time sweating and breathing hard enough to a make low-end porn star blush.

Why on Earth do they even give you a non-neoprene cotton shirt after completing your run of awesomeness?  You’re not going to wear it at the next 5K, you’re gonna wear it at the mall, mowing the lawn, going to a backyard fire-pit drinking event, basically anywhere to show off the shirt to prove you’re wondrous at running.  Whats funny is many people spend considerable $$$ on trendy run threads, plus the fee to enter the run, just to get the shirt.  Which brings me to that question runners often ask when entering a run, “What does the 5K shirt look like they give you?”  What does it look like?  It looks like you spent 25 of the 40 bucks of the entry fee to get a cotton shirt, that’s what it looks like.  Maybe I’m wrong about all this, I doubt it, but I’ll throw it out there anyway.

There is something I do like about organized runs……the food at the end, nice touch, saves me the drive to stuff my pie hole.  I would however tweak the menu a smidge.  An appropriate meal for conquering 3+ mile runs should not be, in my genius opinion, bananas, trail mix, and muffins.  It should be jelly donuts, meat on a stick, and any deep-fried dessert.  Basically State-Fair delicatessen.  You should get a funnel cake and a snow-cone at the finish, along with a coupon to your local buffet restaurant.

Ok so, I’ll admit it, there is a feeling of accomplishment after a long run, long meaning anything that’s makes me start breathing hard like the above mentioned porn star.  And there is something copacetic about running with a few hundred/thousand people.  Will I continue to run 5Ks? Sure, but I’m sticking with my tattered Steven Tyler tee.  Am I out of fashion? No, just ahead of the next athletic attire trend.

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