Truth-umptions: A Superpower

I have a gift, perhaps even a superpower.  I have the ability to “see” people.  Not like x-ray vision or an “I see dead people” type thing.  This power is much different and much more powerful.  I have the ability to “see” who they are.  Ok so here it is, I can “size” a person up in a short amount of time.  It usually happens in eye-blink nanosecond speed, but can take a full second or so to happen.

For example, I had someone cut me off in traffic the other day, and at that very moment I knew this person was an idiot.  BAM!  Just like that, it came to me.  I was even going to yell that at him, but then I thought, that would be dumb, he already knows he’s an idiot, why would I tell him something he already knows?  Dumb.  So I didn’t.  I just once again enjoyed the gift that was given me.  Another Recent example is when I was behind someone in line at the grocery store.  When they went to pay, the person incorrectly entered their debit pin, then decided to pay with a check but wrote the wrong amount, and had to write another check.  Clearly this person is an imbecile, a magnificent imbecile, a USDA Grade “A” imbecile.  Who else would do that except an imbecile?  Now I know what you are thinking, my superpower has laser like accuracy.  Exactly, incredible isn’t it?

Some people say I am being a jerk for making such truth-umptions about someone without spending more time with them.  Really? A jerk?  It’s a GIFT!  For some unknown reason I was chosen.  Maybe because of my superior intelligence, or maybe I won a raffle or something, either way, why should I or anyone else question such a gift?  My truth-umptions that is…..not my said ability of being a jerk.  I wish I could control it, again my gift, not my jerkness, I really do, but I can’t, and maybe I shouldn’t.  Did Superman hide the fact that he could fly?  Did Einstein hide his physics genius?  Did Chuck Norris hide his awesomeness?  Of course not, so why should I?

There are even other times when I didn’t even need to see, speak or listen to the person.  All I needed was for someone to simply tell me something about them, like a story, or repeat something they said.  Usually during this I will uncontrollably blurt something out like “What an idiot”  “how stupid”, “epic failure in life”.  Many times when I say these things people are aghast, and give me look of disbelief.  And I’m like “I know, I can’t believe it either”.  They say things like “you don’t know”, “You can’t assume that”  “You are mean”, ok I lie, they says those things in a more colorful way and with great flare.   But they just don’t undertand.  I didn’t ask to be burdened with this power to instantly expose the traits of others.

Sometimes I wonder if I have an equal out there.  Is there a person out there with the same great gift?  Now I have had imitators come to me and tell me I had faults.  But again they were just imitating my ability, I can’t possibly have any real faults.